Two Strokes are better than One!

I decided to go dirt biking this afternoon.

I like two-strokes way better than a Thumper...I love to work the clutch!

OMG! It's EARTH DAY!!!!

Armageddon! Humans have officially screwed the whole world!


Enjoy those plastic water bottles and make sure you throw your appliances in the river when done using them.

Jump into the Suburban and drive to the mailbox! And for God's Sake leave those beer cans along the trail!

Don't blame your ol' pal Louise when the S**T hits the fan. Which is coming up here in 2012AD. Bring sunscreen, Bee-otch!

Green... Without all that NASTY yellow...

Kidnapping!

Ahhh, the sweet sound of a child sleeping...


...gotcha.

The Mystery Hat Man Emerges

Mary Kate & Ashley!

Good Morning! You know when you finally go through those old boxes in the closet of death and you find forgotten photos? Yeah!

So I found this awesome photo of the Olsen Twins! Apparently, back in 1982, the girls played starring roles in The Dark Crystal! Sweet! They are SO cute, aren't they?

Eggs Benedict Comes To America!

Right on! I love eggs!

...but the Pope REALLY loves eggs!

I'm Feeling Better!

I had a board meeting this morning so I had to drop the hospital gown for a sensible charcoal suit...I had no time to put make-up on though, so I looked TOTALLY my age! One guy said he could tell I had a hairy lip problem! WOW! So I told him to get on the tread mill and see if he could drop those ugly extra pounds growing on top of his shoulders...

It's windy and I'm cranky today.
I might go to church tomorrow. Last time I did that I got into trouble so I may just sit in back this time and keep my sinner songs to myself!

Generally the wine is better from a box than the altar anyway, but I'm a beer drinker so who cares!

I'ts the Little Things...

So I'm at the hospital after undergoing 28 hours of emergency surgery and I get this email that some freak has taken my spot while I'm away...

FREAK is right! What the? Who the? How?

I have no idea who this little lady is, where they found her, or what she got for doing this...

Anyway it's time for my Percocet. See ya tomorrow I hope.

The Six Million Dollar Mannequin

I had a bad fall today...

I'm heading to major surgery right now, actually, but thought I'd say hi first!

I broke my nose, my hip, my collar bone and my spine. It looks like I might have tomorrow off!

See you soon, my friends...

Fasten Your Seatbelts!

I just want you to know that if your plane is going down, and it actually might with all the mechanical issues going on, you cannot just grab the O2 mask from the lady showing you how to use the mask... it's a fake! it's not connected to anything!

I almost died last time my flight crashed! Be careful to use the mask that drops down in front of you. Make sure your own mask is secure before putting a mask on your child.

Stop or I'll Shoot!

I almost nabbed a purse-snatcher out front of the shop today!

I was on a smoke break, and this girl comes running out with a helpless old lady's hand bag!

She got away of course...
...bribed me with an endorsed $50 S.S. check not to call the police...
...SWEET! Fifty bucks!

Can you say Fallout?

Me eyes hurt and I'm having difficulty breathing....

Li'l Kim was here!

Li'l Kim showed up today. She's so DIRTY! Oh, my God! Anyway, I learned a lot of new terms I can use, and we had a delightful lunch down at Long Wongs!

My Debutante Party From Hell

I had a blast at my party this weekend!
All my friends were there. Even that rat-bastard Kevin McNeal was there! I hate him! But it was nice to see him getting ever fatter and balder!

We all got smashed on boxed wine. All I remember actually was waking up in this dress, alone, safely on my living room floor. I think I knocked out one of my teeth on the doorknob... it's missing either way...hmmm

Looking Back...

I was thinking today... what a great time to be alive, eh?

No Bus to Hawaii?

I wanted to go to Hawaii, so I went down to Greyhound and they just laughed at me.

...then I looked at a map... yeah, I felt so BLONDE!
Which reminds me: Why do do blondes prefer not to breast feed? It hurts to much to boil the nipples!

Nurse Nancy Strikes Again!

My friend Ben Dover stopped in... luckily I was completely prepared, and could give him a clean bill of health!!!!

Eggs In One Basket....

Oh shut up and leave me alone... I'm a single gal who's lonely on a holiday... can't a girl get a break around here?

I realize I sometimes over-do it, but I refuse to stand around in ball gowns all the time to appease the uptight few.

Anyway, the egg hunt went well...

Battle of the Bulge...

OUCH! It's called Exopthalmos... Goiter of the eye... Graves Disease...
and it is quite uncomfortable! Luckily I have created a cure and should be feeling better by tomorrow! Wish me luck! It sure is bright out here!

$$

Early Retirement

I woke up here on the bench this morning... YIKES!

I remember going to this party...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hate this outfit...but I like green beer, so I guess this is how it goes!

Guess Who...

Ida Mae (See Feb. 29th entry)showed up at work today, shit-faced and chatty...

Three hours later we found her passed out in that awful hat with her head inside the toilet with the lid down over the whole mess...

Chasing Tail...

This is my new puppy, Spinner!
He's litter trained and everything!

Which Way Do I Go? Which Way Do I Go?

I went on a road trip the other day...
I came across some strange choices at a remote crossroads... happiness, perhaps? Or death... I'd HAD to find out.

So I went left first, of course.
I came across a lake of blood, and in its boiling center was the remains of some goof who felt the need to wander into a lake of blood...so I left.



Then, I went to the right...
What a difference! Everyone was naked and happy, dancing and laughing, sounds of music everywhere around us... and all the while hunky muscle men fed us gals forbidden fruits!




It was awesome! So my advice is to go right!!!!

My Sunday Best...on a Saturday

Went to that new church this morning.

Very different from the cult I'm in now... anyway, I was told to wear my Sunday Best, so I did. Even though it's Saturday...
I know everyone loved it, because they were all looking at me whispering to each other about how nice I looked!

They splattered me with some water (which burned a little) and told me I was one of them now! How weird since that is what Big Daddy Supreme told me when I joined my cult back in '86!

Maybe we are all really more alike then we think!

Careful, you could poke someones eye out!

I poked my eye out this morning.

I imagine a new glass one will be expensive. I wonder if a marble would work...

What are YOU looking at?

Ok, so I have a secret life...I'm into things...funky things... things most of you are not into...

I teach classes on Thursday nights in my basement.

The $5 cover is to help with all the props and gear...
Please bring a garbage bag you are comfortable in.

Hubba! Hubba!

OH MY GOD!!!

His name is Sven. He's SOOOO hot! He sent me a letter the other day that said he thought I was pretty and did I want to get some coffee some time...

... ah, YEAH!!!
He works at HAIR PEACE SALON on Broadway!

Anyway, wish me luck!

(I hope he doesn't mind that I can't bear any children!)

Bling Bling up in your face!

Yep. I just bought me an Escalade! Mmmm-Hmmm. Talk to the hand BE-Yotch!

You betta shut up when you're talkin' to me!

Sorry, just doin' it Doggy Style...